thank You.

If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad ~ Ruth Stull

When we experience indescribable pain, sorrow or even joy, hope, strength and love, at least if we look to the Cross, we can understand these. And also cos' Jesus lives in us; He reveals and explains to us these mysteries. Jesus never had anyone to 'look to' which could try to make him understand, when He was suffering, when He was as human as us, when God chose to keep silent, when He was all innocent.

(Jesus)Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:6-8)


And yesh the pieces have fed, is feeding and will always feed multitudes. :>

d.i.s.c.i.p.l.i.n.e.

my second quarter of the year seems to have embarked on a theme called Discipline. After a humbling first quarter through which i know i have decreased in the increasing Presence of my heavenly Father, which i learnt the art of surrendering all, this second theme is definitely for me to learn further from my Father how to discipline myself and those under us, and how to let them learn to submit to Him. The way He teaches me this? By disciplining me. :>

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. (Hebrews 12:7,8)

its definitely not been easy. For someone who avoids harshness in tone, many times i feel like i am rolling a gigantic rock aside before i can step forth to discipline my disciples. But note this: discipline should never be mixed with anger, or done in fury. We teach in a tone that is harsh (note: not loud) enough to make them realise the seriousness in the wrong things they have done, and yet still conveys love. And yesh, target the things done wrongly, not the persons.

"you are such a bad girl to have done that. nobody likes such a gal" implies to them love lost.

much of the time it appears to involve practising an art of talking with tact. or more of with God's wisdom. And the ultimate aim is to convey love, in the hope that they will really learn.

discipline in love. God teach me again. and again. and again.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)


Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. (Revelation 3:19)

1023-1200hrs _channel playing: fm96.3 international
0845-0915hrs _channel playing : Lush fm99.5 (i love their jazzy tunes! My adorable companion for my dressing up in the mornings)

my parents are the most loving and beautiful.

Lord i really know why even though i would love to have long chats with my dad over the phone, and my mum personally, i always hesitate to do so. The reason being i am so afraid i will cry after talking, or in the midst of it. I am phobic of that sad feeling with my parents.

i really love them. That is why i attempt to initiate outings, conversations and little gestures of love and concern to them again and again, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how rejected i feel sometimes. God is always encouraging me on too. He understands my feelings, comforts me, and urges me to 'try again my dear daughter'.

i believe God is not deliberately causing me pain; He wants me to really love my family back together. He loves my parents.

Dont be mistaken here, my parents are one of the most loving and beautiful pairs on earth. They have given to me so much more than anyone else on earth has. But the problem in human relationships is that, even though two parties can love each other deeply, that love never conveys and ministers fully when they cannot understand each other's love languages.

Thus here comes a distance that keeps on growing if you dont pay heed to it. I wouldnt even call it a generational gap. It is simply due to lack of proper communications.

Anyway the reasons why out of ten times, six times i will cry after talking with them are:

> they dont understand me or what i am talking about; they dont understand my heart for them.

> they always sound like they are blaming me for all the negative things, even when they speak in a very nice, non-blaming tone. Not mentioning the fact that my parents dont really practise encouraging others. Like just now my dad called overseas to specifically ask if i knew my mum went to see the doc this morning. I admit i didnt know. But i seriously think my mum could have told me. Does she think that i dont care? Does she know that this causes me not to want to tell her anything about myself too? i cannot read people's minds from their faces!

>yup they always sound like i dont care about them. Perhaps they really think so. This never fails to break my heart. I really put in a lot of efforts to show my care for them. But how many times when i go back at night and i initiate to talk with my mum, has she remained silent not answering my question, cos' she is feeling upset about something that is not related to me at all??!!! I'm really feeling that she is taking me as a venting channel more and more. She talks more with me only when she wants to complain about my dad and bro, usually in a tone that sounds like the frustration is directed at me.

the truth is, i really care. Daddy, you are the only one i make myself readily call once in a while at night, even if its just to say 'goodnight dad'. (I dont really enjoy talking on the phone at night with anyone actually). And yesh, mummy i buy flowers for you, help you with the ironing and washing-up, listento you when you want to vent your frustrations, encourage you with a squeeze on the shoulder when you feel unappreciated, willingly give you an 'angpow' every month from my pay........ All these are done out of Love.


> Simply cos i miss my dad, miss those younger days when he was always physically around for me.... when my mum talks bubbly with me... And wonder how come things are not the same anymore...


Father Lord, bless my parents. You love them more than i can ever do. Bless my dear bro jk too.

Lord bring them to the Parents Appreciation Night. I really want to invite them from all of my heart, really wish for them to come, so that i can publicly show my appreciation for them.

smiles.

i cant express how excited i am about the upcoming EJ288 retreat! Truly a time of 'retreat' into the back scene for me, leave everything at home - my family, daughters, work and all, and go with God. i need this break. And i do hear that sofitel is a really nice place. Haa. Will go gymming in the early morn. Looking forward to growing to know my spiritual family more esp! :>

last evening was really memorable. And all the beautiful things happened in a mere room (rm 5 & 6). Firstly my amanda dear came to have dinner with me at TCT though she couldnt stay for YY288 meeting. Wanted her to share the stuff on her heart; but guess i will be patient in the Lord for her to share openly. :> Amanda dear, just really wanna apologise if i have 'neglected' you in any sense. I am always around for you yeah; dont need to worry whether i'll be busy with work, other gals etc. Never forget what a mummy is for. :> *hug hug*

After that sat with my spiritual mummy yuehping on the floor; we were just like small gals with our legs stretched out in front of us, sitting side by side/ butt to butt (haa...) and talking. I could sense elsie dear getting jealous. Oops hee. O well we had such a heartwarming time praying for one another with our arms over each other. And boy we had such a lovely long hug after that. I wanted to use the time too to 'confess' to yp that everything is not fine in my cell, sharing down to the details. Thanks mummy, for the love and assurance you showed me last night. *hug hug*

And boy it was such a beautiful time between me and dear wei too. Even though i have not talked with her about really coming under my leadership (and as one of my future 12s!), i have already been seeing her as someone whom i would really want to walk with in her journey of life. I'm still leaving this open to You Father. You make the ultimate decision for me and her. I was seriously touched when she shared with me about the huge dilemma in her job, and she said she just felt she must or should share with me. Thank You Father, for using me to touch her with Your love, for building such a beautiful bond between us. :> Bless my dear sister (she's my pri classmate oh man!) Lord; reveal to her so clearly the plans You have for her life, so clearly till she cant deny them.

Thank You Father, for using me to touch and minister into two other sisters' lives too. I know it wasnt an easy thing for them to come to me and share; i understand how they have been feeling. Father bless them with extra dose of intimacy between You and them individually. Give them the strength they need. I know You will honour their desire to want to walk with You every step of their lives. And i believe Father, they will rise up to become greater women of God, beautiful mothers of nations, in Jesus's name. :> Let their eyes always fixate on You.


Haa just a sidenote, i finally stepped into orchard last saturday night after probably 4 months. But i was sort of 'forced' to go cos i needed to hunt for my dear bro's bd present. Do realise shopping in orchard does not give me the meaning and joy it used to give. I felt like i was just moving along with the flow of people, whom i didnt seem to understand. i saw no point in craving for those fanciful clothes and stuff, in spending money and time in satisfying materialistic needs. I began to wonder, those couples out there, do they merely value time with each other? Where is God in their lives and relationships?

i'm not trying to 'glorify' myself by implying i'm 'out of the world'. It was just a different sensation walking through the crowds with Jesus beside me. He saw the crowds and had compassion on them. Perhaps this was what i was experiencing.

And man who do i have to meet in orchard, sitting at the next table for so long, but my dear amanda. Muahs. Haa dont worry dear, i didnt spotcheck on you.

let me sing O Father, my song of prayer

I wanna open up my eyes

And see a more beautiful world

Let the hand of God Almighty

Sweep his colors through my life

I wanna hold tight to the laughter

And ride it like a child

On the winds that billow joyful

Through the sky

I wanna open up my heart

But you know, sometimes it's hard to find

Because I've buried it beneath the selfishness

That I've hidden behind

I wanna stand my ground unshaken

But I wanna tremble when I kneel

And let my song remain unbroken

Through the tears

So let me sing for the love

Let me love for the lost

Let me lose all I have

For what I found on the cross

Let me trust you with my life

Let me live to give you praise

Lord, let me praise you

For the grace by which I'm saved

Lord, let me sing

I wanna open up Your word

And let the thirsty enter in

So they can drink deep of the water

You have given to them

I want to run the race with vigor

I want to fight the fight with strength

And let my song rise from a whisper

To a scream

I wanna open up my arms

And embrace that old rugged cross

I wanna take pride in the reason

And be humbled by the cause

And when this lisping, stamm'ring tongue

Lies silent in the grave

Then in a nobler, sweeter song,

I'll sing your praise

I'll sing your praise

So let me sing for the love

Let me love for the lost

Let me lose all I have

For what I found on the cross

Let me trust you with my life

Let me live to give you praise

Lord, let me praise you

For the grace by which I'm saved

Lord, let me sing

Let me Sing. Andrew Peterson. Clear to Venus

another lesson: tears of discipline

Yesh i am shedding tears of discipline right now.

But discipline should never be taken lightly in ministry. Discipline is done out of Love. He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24).

Yes i love this gal dearly.

good or not

quite a handful of bros and sisters, and even my prebelieving colleague have been commenting that i am a good spiritual 'mummy'. i do put in my heart for everyone who is put on my path, but Lord i dont feel so within me. What is your definition of a good leader? what is doing too little, and too much?

the sound of music.

it's interesting how my feelings and emotions about a certain event can be delayed, till i have time to dwell into them. Its been exactly a week since i watched The Sound of Music at the Esplanade, and only now i know i really miss the show as my mind jingles and hops through the different scenes and songs.

i am not slow okay. heh. Would better term myself as a woman of reminiscene.

Do re re, Mi so so, fa la la........

i love the spirit of the show. Its so pure and humble, and so sincerely straightforward, from the littlest feeling of each character to the greatest truth in their faith and the nation. Every character had their bare hearts exposed to us all. Sometimes i felt like i was transposed to the stage, dancing as one of the kids; other times i felt like a note in the songs they sang. They just tugged at my heartstrings. The backdrops werent that spectacular though - simple spread of canvas paintings that brought us from the meadows, to the valleys, to the chapel hall of the abby with tall stained glass windows, to its courtyards- back and fro. Simplicity was the spirit of the musical; that's why i love it so.

Come on, a good musical really doesnt need twisting and twirling plots to entwine the audience, make them lost in the whole story, and only to walk out of the theatre with question marks in their heads which are not readily exposed cos nobody likes to admit they have spent money watching something they don't understand. Haa.

A special thanks to my dear bro yah-shua (who was dressed like a mafia king that night) who sat beside me to occasionally add extra sound effects of glass-breaking when the actresses reached the ultrasonic notes. And yesh, it was such a pleasant time meeting up my sec-sch friend ailing, the mature and beautiful young lady, after so long and hearing about her life once more. God bless you my friend; i'm so glad things are going pretty exciting for you! You're in my prayers. :>

album playing: clear to venus _andrew peterson

Andrew Peterson is such an honest guy. His lyrics reveal the truths of the world, of the human soul, and leave them staring blankly into your eyes. His songs lead us into a visual journey into the lives of David, the prodigal son, even the lost penny that was lost and then found. There is not a least bit of hesitation in sharing his frustration, his unbelief (at times), his drowning in the well, his loss of conscience....for he says "And i write songs, these songs i sing, i'd have none if not for Him. And i know whence came the tunes, Because Jesus made the roses, Jesus made the roses bloom" in his song 'mary picked the roses".

There is a certain child-likeness in AP, and coupled with the occasional tooney tunes and his clear, unrestrained, folksy and abit nasal voice (somehow suits his songs perfectly), bring out the Truth in his own soul, and indeed joy in his faith. :>

i want to stand my ground unshaken,
but i want to tremble when i kneel.
And let my song remain unbroken
through the tears


I especially like the song 'why walk when you can fly'; it sounds especially poetic to me.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain

Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a long enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
But a whole lot of ground to gain

When you spend your whole life wishing
Watching and wondering why
It's a hard enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of golden
In this world there's a whole lot of plain
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings
There's a star on the far horizon
Rising bright in an azure sky
But with the rest of the time you've been given
Why walk when you can fly
High
High


________________________________

Thank you for those tears of intercession Father, just now as i played on my 'banjo' on the bed, and prayed for your gals. For even though i know you already know my every thought and feeling before i tell you, i receive strength through merely telling them to you, and lifting them onto your hands. Come build an altar unto the Lord, dear daughters of God. Return to worship, and hear His word. And we will touch the Holy Presence of our God.

And yesh, thank you Father for bringing me through the past year since my baptism exactly a year ago! Phew, do not know how i can ever live without You. *Hug*

happy birthday my dear bro.

happy birthday dear bro jk. Other than the words i wrote on the card i gave you, i wanna tell you you are always the best in my eyes; may God bless you with boldness and confidence for the road ahead! Do not be fearful about what lies in NS for you; you already have the stamina to endure it! I will pray for mental strength for you. I am looking forward to seeing you arise as a greater man of faith and strength! :>

nothing you do can make Him love you more

i always thought quite highly of my heart.

"Your heart determines the boundaries of your ministry." (Ps Jack Hanes)

i always thought i learnt the art of unconditional loving. But i realised otherwise just last night.

I love each of my gals dearly. Each time their number increased (praise God!), i was afraid all my love would have to be divided into smaller portions for each of them. But to my amazement, He really enlarged my heart when it happened. He taught me to give more, more than what i have and am.

But after the many little incidents recently that threatened to depreciate or even destroy many of the beautiful bonds, i am starting to discover that i can love them according to their merits, their performance, their responses, their fervor for God and G12. Such unbearable conditi0nal love.

i began to reflect on God's love, on what is really unconditional. This song came to my mind..

Nothing you do can make Him love you more
Nothing you do can make Him close the door....

i can never make my Father love me more?

That is cos, He has already given ALL of His love to each of us. It is just whether and how much we receive it into our lives.

Ahh.... *immersing in the intensity and sweetness of God's love again; in His cradle of Love*

No wonder He already accepted, affirmed and approved of me, even before i really love Him.

Teach me again Father, Your love.

learning in the midst of contrasts.

Last night i experienced one of my first direct persecution externally of my family (previously).

One of my 'daughters'' mum, after asking her gal to hasten her steps towards their car, turned and told me this after i apologised to her for taking so long, "i hope you understand huh. Dont do anything to disturb my family religion huh. Dont do anything to spoil my daughter-and-mother relationship. I hope you know".

i replied simply, even putting my hand on her shoulder for a moment, 'i understand auntie. Bye bye'.

i was smiling, all ready to face her the moment i knew she was standing outside macDonalds. No fear, no anger. I was in a way proud of myself that i knew i reacted to her, just like how Jesus would in the face of such minor persecution. There was joy in the midst of this, to be able to share in Christ's suffering. i even chuckled internally abit at the words 'family religion', cos' they are freethinkers.

In fact, the mum showed me a most beautiful thing in her behaviour - a mother's love. I only heard her heart in all she said; i only believed more that she loves her daughter so much that she is just so afraid of losing her. She was trying to protect her daughter in her own sense.

And this reminds me to step up even more in spiritual warfare for my own daughters. I need to pray for more covering and protection for them. Thats a mother's love for you too.

And i say this to s.a.tan, you will have NO stand at all in all my gals' lives. if you think your scheme to remove my gals from church by planting deception in their mums is going to work, like what you recently did for four of my dears, you are going to be very wrong. If you think your disrupting my two other gals' lives with rebellion towards their parents is going to break them, i tell you that is a lie to your own self. They are all, in Jesus's name (whom you so fear), going to rise up as future sarahs.


Romans 8:35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


it's true that each time a daughter falls away physically, emotionally or spiritually, intentionally or not, it breaks my heart. But dont think you can defeat me s.a.tan; my hope and strength lie in the Lord! :>

There is one song

There is one God
He is Holy
There is one Lord, over everything
There is one King
He is Jesus,
King of Glory,
strong and mighty

There is one song, that never fails to blow my blues away. Chris Tomlin's King of Glory (a short 3:08 in his newest album). The beat stirs in such a fun fashion; you catch it like a cold. I can picture myself singing that in the band; my entire soul seeking just to proclaim God's glory in the song. And i cant help grinning to Him as i sing it, as my feet tap away, as my heart leaps off to my beloved King, in the exact same beat.

Ashes to Beauty

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart

Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down

Music and lyrics by Kathryn Scott
© 2003 Vertical Worship SongsCCLI# 4157353

~~~~

He gave me a place to kneel at the foot of the Cross. He taught me to lay down my every burden at that spot. It's not just the beauty of the song that has seeped into me, but the beauty of the Cross.

So near so near, i see every grain of the wooden Cross.

I remembered one night on my bed, my posture was kept knelt at the same spot, and i kissed His feet. O i felt like a privileged princess. It was a posture of rest. in acceptance. in comfort. in surrender.

You are my all in all.

When i fall down You pick me up
When i am dry You fill my cup

Three years back, i was trekking up this waterfalls route in Trengganu. Seriously i was still unsure about Christ then. I never remembered doing this before this, but a beautiful song just arose in my heart and i sang it all the way up to the falls. And yesh for the first time it was a worship song - You are my all in all.

Even though i was with a group of friends, i felt alone -with God. While trying to cross on the slippery rocks across a tiny stream of waters, i remembered slipping, and in the next moment my whole body was sprawled across the slippery rocks. I had to pull myself up with my brute strength; i couldnt allow anyone to help me cos they would just slip off as well. Within some seconds, my mere arms did the job. And i knew it was God.

And O now i know that little song was written by dennis jernigan, a christian songwriter whom i hold in great esteem. (he doesnt call himself a songwriter, but a 'song-receiver')

Lord to give up i'll be a fool
You are my all in all...


___________
a sidenote to my daddy. If you are really going to buy me a car, can i request for a cool little jeep? heh heh...

a spoilt brat?

mirabel you are such a spoilt brat.
stop acting as if you take the whole world for granted, sometimes even God.
Just because you are frustrated with yourself being helpless,
you are beginning to be rude and inconsiderate to others' feelings.

we'll just tell them we're loving our King.

Thank You Lord that i am still holding on.
Thank You Lord for sustaining my love for You,
my passion to do Your work.

But Lord i dont deny that there are moments i feel like giving up.
Especially when my gals are not with me now.
My identity in You has nothing to do with them;
it's just that i cant see what i am heading, without them.

Not by sight, but by faith You said.
Yes Father i will have that faith.
Let me see through Your eyes.
My destiny is still to be sarah
A mother of nations i shall be.
Mirabel Yours Sarah Abraham.

i thank You Lord enough for saving each of my dear gals
patricia.amanda.shawna.valen.belinda.weiling.lizann.eloisa.hwee jing....................................

Not by sight, but by faith.
Lord they will all become future sarahs, i believe.
And i surrender each of them to You again.

_______________

Recently worship took on a different dimension for me. I smiled in worship. Such joy that dwells in thy heart!

Love ya Jesus so so much.

:>

another room.

i've decided. Other than the doodle room and dance garden i am going to have in my home next time, i will have another space with cd racks as walls, and line them all with my favourite worship albums from bebo norman, chris tomlin, andrew peterson, rich mullins, twila paris, planetshakers, hillsongs, jars of clay, corrinne may........................

Not forgetting a little corner for my guitar which i affectionately call banjo. Probably invest in a drum set too.

Ahh there will be a cushioned corner - my little retreat corner - where i conjure the most amazing lyrics and poems for my Beloved.

Hmm probably can combine my doodle room with this music box, so that i can doodle my lyrics and words on the walls.

God has realised the salvations!

Looking at my past post dated March 16, 2005 i realised 5 of the people on my 'list of people to pray for salvation' have already received Christ during starlight!

Hooray! *Kallang wave*
eloisa, kah choon, yuxiang, lizann and hwee jing!

Father may You protect the seed!

i will have victory thru Christ!

After working at my uncle's firm for five months, i finally know the real main reason why i choose to stay here - it allows me quite freely the time for fellowship, impartation and most importantly ministry!

Never will my secular work take over my priorities in these, O Lord!

Being busy in the many chances of ministry recently gave me so much joy. I do not deny there are times when i get zapped out physically, emotionally and almost even spiritually, i am fully aware of the devil scheming to steal my joy in serving the Lord. And the very fact that i can get frustrated with myself being helpless rather than helpful in ministry, may most probably be due to my using the wrong key to open the door of the heart. And come on, arent we all supposed to rely on the Lord completely, even in ministry. (knock my own head)

O Father, may You grant me the wisdom to know which keys to use in these cases:

-valen (Father grant me divine opportunities to speak to her; and she will open up to me about the past hurts she has faced at home and school. Its not entirely about encouraging her back to school; i want to hear her heart Lord. May You set her free. Thank You for bringing the mother to me.)

-bibik, eloisa and family. Father, i know money is not the right key here. Tell me what is.

-family with the rebellious sec 2 gal. Father bring her to Ps YC and me, if You will to, and teach us what to do. Yes Lord, Ps YC and i are eager to bring the parents to church soon!

-edwin's (under qingtian) family. Lord may You rise them up above their situation. May You lift her sister up in Your joy and hope. Ps YC and i have no inkling of which key to use; Father guide us. May You bless the house visit qingtian and i are going to make next week.

-lizann's mum. Lord may You grant the divine opportunity to speak to her soon too; that lizann will find Your courage to ask her mum to call me soon, so that i can clarify things with her, and draw her nearer to You again. By faith Lord, i declare this another family secured for Christ!

-Father, how come pat's, ber's and shawna's mums are all disallowing their daughters to go church altogether now? O Lord the devil will have no place here! I know You will turn our mourning into dancing!

-how do i open hweejing's heart further, Father?


Indeed, as 'warned' by Ps Caesar, forming the twelve is the hardest stage cos the devil attacks it particularly! But i will have victory thru Christ!


O Lord, guard me, sustain me and protect me.

Thank You Father for the chances to learn from Ps YC. You know what, i sense You moving me closer to my pastoral calling! *wink wink to God*

i still have the temperament of an artist.

i realise i still have the temperament of an artist- dancer, musician, painter whatsoever.

I seek perfection in all i do (now more of a commitment to what to excel in all i do, so as to glorfiy the name of Christ); and when i don't sense it, tides sweep into my soul bringing unrest.

i like people to appreciate my work. I like recognition, though my soul still gives thanks to the Lord always.

i still have my moody moments; and i still love my little solitary rendezvous-es.