over the mountains and the seas. playing.

dear Father,

Thank You for letting my head rest on Your shoulder just now, as i sat in my bathroom, letting my tears flow down my cheeks. It sent so much warmth and comfort into my soul, that it stopped my tears for then. I have literally cried for the whole day.

The mere sentence from my mum in the car this morning was like a shrapnel through the flesh of my heart - 'You have a very poor work attitude". When she is not even my boss? Sigh she always sees things from her point of view, and thinks herself right all the time. I didn't even feel a need to explain myself, until it bit me so hard that this statement from her reflected so badly on Christ in me.

When do i always feel that she thinks lowly of me, Father? Am i really such an useless gal in her eyes, just because i never let her into my life, and tell her all that i have been doing for people outside the house? Everytime i attempt to talk with her, she sounds so cold, aloof, sometimes even pouring much cold water. I know she doesnt mean it. She just holds too much anger towards the world; she thinks the whole world owes her something. Father, she really needs Christ. May You bring her?


I could sing of Your love forever.............


i'm so tired Father, I find myself always struggling between going church in complete joy and worrying over how my parents will think, especially when my dad is in town. i can even shamelessly say sometimes it is just so much easier when my dad is away. But yet this is not the total truth.

I long to have my parents back with me like before, like when i was just an innocent small gal holding both their hands. i have been feeling so 'parent-less' - my dad always being away, my mum not appearing to want to talk with me (she is the type who gives silently, but i have been longing to hear a word of concern or encouragement from her. Not at all).

But thank God...i could sing of Your love forever.....................


i just realised i am someone who needs a lot a lot of encouragement. Cos' i am so weak. I'm tired of acting so strong too. My smiles are all sincere, but recently i have been trying so hard to even smile.

you cannot do it for them.

This is what God said to me, while we were singing "Clean Hands" last night at 144 meeting.

"it is honourable to ask for clean hands and pure hearts, and to rise up a generation who seeks after the God of Jacob. BUT you cannot ask for clean hands and pure hearts on behalf of your gals. They have to ask for them themselves."

Yesh Lord i should stop loading myself with unnecessary burdens.

Aging is beautiful.

Just realised that aging is such a beautiful process.
Your eyes get opened
and wisdom fills your mind more and more.

List of people to pray for salvation.

Getting overwhelmed by the increasing no of people which i want to focus on. But i know my Father says 'Press on! Pray!!!'

These are the closest on my heart:

BPGH gals

• hweejing, cindy, bee ee, kah li, ain, xianglin

NUS gals

• joan, xue zhen, kaiwen & kailin, lihui, peishyun, anelia

GAP2k5 gals

• lizann, kai ning

Springfield kids

• yuxiang, kah choon, jeremy, eloisa, meryl, valerie, ching meei, yvon

Others

• jean, huiwen, minghui, alice, winson, karen & family

And not forgetting my dear parents, bro (they WILL go for Parents' Appreciation Night this May! By faith i proclaim that!), my extended family!

I am becoming more and more sure of my parents' salvations in Christ! O Lord! :>

my letter to the TU!-GAP team :>

Dearest all!

Finally was able to reflect on the GAP camp while bathing and getting my mind awake once again. Haa...

First of all, i want to say i really appreciate what the Thumbs-up! team had put in for the camp - joel, jia huey, dy and eric - you guys really toiled for the students and us. And just to borrow your words joel, you guys are definitely going to reap bountifully what you sow too. :> Jia Huey was always working so late into the night; i didnt dare to talk too much to her at night cos i guessed she must be quite tired. Haaa kidding. And joel, you are the energiser battery. *wink*. Dy bro, thanks for being some sort of 'advisor' to me regarding certain issues in the camp too. It was great learning and hearing from you.



Just to share some thanksgiving for the camp. All of us definitely touched and impacted lives (oh man, i was nearly touched to tears when facing this malay boy (Muhaimin) who really did change and rose up during the camp). You guys are really so so great.

I thank God for answering my question which i had been asking Him before the camp- 'God, where are you in the GAP camp?' I did feel abit worn out at the thought of the camp the days before it, feeling guilty for not being able to accompany my mum & bro at the weekend chalet and worrying unnecessarily what my parents would think of me taking leave from my uncle's office for church/volunteer stuff again. But i was assured God wanted me to be there. i even planned two weeks ago what i can do with my GAP team on good friday holiday, before i ever seen any of their faces.

Tonight i realised how much the gals so close to my hearts have grown. The very fact that my three most faithful gals in church- Amanda, Belinda and Patricia-were serving at the camp with me already delighted me tremendously. (It was definitely heartwarming to have a chance to pray together with them against the casino, at 1am on the first night). Ain and Patricia came with me to last year's GAP, and man i saw how much more steady and sensible in leading the groups they had grown. They are growing into fine young ladies of character and integrity.

The way Belinda led, encouraged or simply accompanied her team just revealed her big heart of Love. And note this, the students saw Christ in Amanda. (Definitely we took note not to attach religious notions to all activities in the camp). Amanda took the initiative to follow the team alone and help them in preparation for Creative Night without my presence, and one sentence of wisdom from her 'All it takes to volunteer is the willingness to spare time and the passion...' prompted people in the team to ask her 'Are you a christian?'. And not forgetting the dear boy Cerwin who was ever ready to give his best for the group, even when he did not understand fully. (Just really want to thank you guys for showing him so much of such healthy love during the camp. :>)

Thus guys you see, God was in everyone of us at the camp. :>


I tried very hard to brush aside the thought that i had a 'mission' in this camp, and that is to draw people nearer to Him. This desire is just so fittedly hinged on my heart (i did not know how God did it too). But i thank God for His grace that when i had the divine opportunities to bring up God to two gals, Lizann and Kai Ning, individually in my team in a personal context, He did the work so gently and naturally. Lizann just told me this online an hour ago 'i think you are an angel sent by God to bless us all', and she was also the one who said on the first night 'But i dont really believe in God..'. :>


My stories are just some of the the pieces of the amazing jigsaw we put together for GAP camp. You guys have your beautiful testimonies, and I salute you and every facilitator in the camp, for showing and even 'being' Jesus to the students. :>


Yawnzzzz,
mirabel

:>

(dated 14/03/2005 12.49am)


P.S.S. Dont know why felt like tearing when i remembered ayu from GAp camp just now. Just before she left, she came to me, telling me how much she would miss me. I looked at her in her eyes, and said "Ayu, remember what i said. And you are really really already the best in my eyes".
Her eyes began to water, and to avoid mine. Meekly and sniffingly she said "But i am not the best....."
"Look at me in the eyes, Ayu. Tell me you are the best." I smiled back at her.

She looked away, holding back the gush of tears that could have flooded her eyes. Even though she could not bring herself to utter that sentence to me, i knew at least a different tune was playing in her heart - one which was really encouraged to the point of tears.

Thank You my Father. :>

O Lord keep me

A heart laden with heavy humility,
my eyes kept sight at the foot of thy Cross.
With pride dripping dry from my soul,
i can only kneel,
and cry,
and plead for the Lord to keep me, always.

Lord i offer up my heart again.

You took my heart

and breathed life into it.

A fresh renewed breath

that gently flowed over its every crack.

i saw healing

Your mending my heart's wounds.

You created

a whole new heart for me,

full of Your strength and might

in Love.

i think i saw Your face, Father

And it is just indescribably beautiful.

(written as i sat in the outer courts of the Tabernacle @magic box 4th mar 2005)

i want my house to be designed by Mies Van Der Rohe.

http://image32.webshots.com/33/7/34/57/287073457LbIHCp_ph.jpg
http://image28.webshots.com/29/7/36/13/287073613jZCbSK_ph.jpg

a slave to all men.

Though i am free and belong to no man, i make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews i became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law i became like one under the law (though i myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law i became like one not having the law (though i am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak i became weak, to win the weak. i have become all things to all men so that by all possible means i might save some. i do all this for the sake of the gospel, that i may share in its blessings.

~1 Corinthians 9:19-23


O Lord i am very sure that when Ps Yong Howe talked about these verses @post-encounter on sun, You were reminding me of Your further elaboration of the vision You have given me.

To the weak i became weak, to win the weak.

The thing that came to my mind just as i was typing the above line: Yesh, it is nothing wrong to be weak! it is okay to be weak!

Yesh Lord, in order to set the captives free, i needed to be on the prison grounds, to be at their levels. Even if i tread on satan's territories, Father i know You will grant me final victory over them. Yesh Lord, i need to talk with them and minister to them at their levels.


How many times have i been impatient with the youth?
What about those times i think myself more holy and righteous than my mother, just because i am a christian and she is not yet?
Do i take pride in myself too much- in my satisfaction with my physical outlook and being, my sonship with You etc.- more than in Jesus in me?? Such that i placed myself on a pedestal in the world around me?

O Father, may You continue Your lesson of humility in my life. I want to put on the clothes of complete humility and compassion.

make it an eternal longing Lord.

"Mirabel, when i was praying for you just now, i saw you holding a bunch of keys. This bunch of keys was given to you by God to empower you to unlock the hearts of people.
However sometimes you get frustrated and cry out to God, when you use the wrong key to unlock the hearts.
God is going to grant you WISDOM, to know which key to use at which time. I can see you walking through the prison corridors, and setting the captives free.
You are a woman of WISDOM. Cling unto His wisdom.

In Jesus's name, i pray. Amen."

(from Ps Victor on 22nd jan 2005 @Hope Centre)


O Father, so many times have i wondered why You want to use me. But of cos the answer is simply cos' You chose to use me.

Not because of who i am, but because of what You have done.
Not because of what i have done, but because of who You are.

O Father this is my cry to You. Make me surrender to You forever. Let my heart be glad, sing and worship with my whole soul my whole life just for You.

Father i know i am very weak. i AM very weak. That is why O Lord, i need You to help me fulfil this promise to You. Father hear the cry of my heart; this is my truest desire. Make it an eternal longing for You.


When you have the fear of the Lord in you, you feel great freedom to move towards Him. Because you have the fear of the Lord in you, you would not want anything to come interrupt that intimacy you have with the Lord.
(Ps Julie on 2nd feb 2005 @sanctification day two)