Emptyhanded.

Have you always been seeking achievement after achievement in order to seek others' approval, hoping that the world will look up to you after each triumph?

Or have you accustomed yourself through the growing up years to think that only when you attain something honourable in the eyes of the other, will he or she love you or take notice of you?

Do you ever remember yourself sighing a deep Alas! upon realising that you can never fully satisfy anyone, or there are always others who outshine you?

Yesh i grew up in this way. Arising to be one of the top 4 students in my primary school, i went on to enrol into one of the top 5 secondary schools (where i alas-ed many times cos' i could no longer be among the very top), got into a top JC, and were accepted into one of the NUS courses deemed to be prestigious in the eyes of many students (cos' of its aptitude tests and interviews before entrance). My parents and even the extended family seemed pretty proud of me. And i probably thought that the world was happy because they were awaiting a rising star out of me.

But alas, i found that i was never happy personally! It was soooo hard striving to be the top myself. So i gave up fighting for best grades, till i missed the mark to enrol into Masters for NUS Architecture with my batch (something that many of you do not know). It was a suffocating moment for me; i suddenly realised i was...lost.

My thoughts went, 'How do i account to my parents...where am i going from here? So what if i got accepted into Masters of Architecture in RMIT,Melbourne instead...just go? Who was i trying to please???...'

* * *

Today as i listened to the song Majesty above, i broke down once again at the line 'Emptyhanded but alive in Your hands'. In fact the whole song described how God brought me through my situation above two years ago. God showed me that i could be emptyhanded, yet winning His approval. He told me He was proud of me as His daughter, no matter if i had a masters' degree or not. My worth in His eyes is never determined by the number of brilliant buildings i can ever design on earth.

And only when i released myself - my dreams, plans, and even the planless-ness to Jesus, i found myself, i found what i wanted. And I found Jesus' love in the ever deepest way; He took my broken heart full of disappointment in myself for not meeting the expectations of people, and gave me back a new wholesome heart - healed and beautiful. I learnt to forgive people, because i had been forgiven by God for everything that i owed Him.

i learnt to live life for Someone who is Bigger and even Supreme, yet Whose love is so tender and free for me, and Whose heart's desire is me. I returned to my Source; my Inventor would know my life purpose! And indeed, i have been on my way of pursuing my dream to be a pastor since the day He told me that. Every person that God has brought to me to counsel, minister and speak life and truth into, i did it with all my heart, and there is extreme joy in doing so, even when i could get so heartbroken with the person or his situation at the same time!

And want to know one of my greatest dreams? It is to preach to nations and multitudes like my Great Great Grandmother, Pastor Claudia Castellanos! :)

Praise God for allowing me such precious learning experiences through these two years; He is moving me towards my dream! Yet i still consider myself emptyhanded, cos' i surrendered my dream to God. i am not going to rely on my own strength and wisdom to pursue it! It is His to keep, and to grow in me. I do not know the way to fulfiling it, but He already has a plan to accomplish it in me as i follow Him. This i am sure. :)

Come and receive this greatest Love of all! You lose nothing in being changed and humbled by Jesus' love. :)