d.i.s.c.i.p.l.i.n.e.

my second quarter of the year seems to have embarked on a theme called Discipline. After a humbling first quarter through which i know i have decreased in the increasing Presence of my heavenly Father, which i learnt the art of surrendering all, this second theme is definitely for me to learn further from my Father how to discipline myself and those under us, and how to let them learn to submit to Him. The way He teaches me this? By disciplining me. :>

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. (Hebrews 12:7,8)

its definitely not been easy. For someone who avoids harshness in tone, many times i feel like i am rolling a gigantic rock aside before i can step forth to discipline my disciples. But note this: discipline should never be mixed with anger, or done in fury. We teach in a tone that is harsh (note: not loud) enough to make them realise the seriousness in the wrong things they have done, and yet still conveys love. And yesh, target the things done wrongly, not the persons.

"you are such a bad girl to have done that. nobody likes such a gal" implies to them love lost.

much of the time it appears to involve practising an art of talking with tact. or more of with God's wisdom. And the ultimate aim is to convey love, in the hope that they will really learn.

discipline in love. God teach me again. and again. and again.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)


Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. (Revelation 3:19)

1023-1200hrs _channel playing: fm96.3 international
0845-0915hrs _channel playing : Lush fm99.5 (i love their jazzy tunes! My adorable companion for my dressing up in the mornings)

my parents are the most loving and beautiful.

Lord i really know why even though i would love to have long chats with my dad over the phone, and my mum personally, i always hesitate to do so. The reason being i am so afraid i will cry after talking, or in the midst of it. I am phobic of that sad feeling with my parents.

i really love them. That is why i attempt to initiate outings, conversations and little gestures of love and concern to them again and again, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how rejected i feel sometimes. God is always encouraging me on too. He understands my feelings, comforts me, and urges me to 'try again my dear daughter'.

i believe God is not deliberately causing me pain; He wants me to really love my family back together. He loves my parents.

Dont be mistaken here, my parents are one of the most loving and beautiful pairs on earth. They have given to me so much more than anyone else on earth has. But the problem in human relationships is that, even though two parties can love each other deeply, that love never conveys and ministers fully when they cannot understand each other's love languages.

Thus here comes a distance that keeps on growing if you dont pay heed to it. I wouldnt even call it a generational gap. It is simply due to lack of proper communications.

Anyway the reasons why out of ten times, six times i will cry after talking with them are:

> they dont understand me or what i am talking about; they dont understand my heart for them.

> they always sound like they are blaming me for all the negative things, even when they speak in a very nice, non-blaming tone. Not mentioning the fact that my parents dont really practise encouraging others. Like just now my dad called overseas to specifically ask if i knew my mum went to see the doc this morning. I admit i didnt know. But i seriously think my mum could have told me. Does she think that i dont care? Does she know that this causes me not to want to tell her anything about myself too? i cannot read people's minds from their faces!

>yup they always sound like i dont care about them. Perhaps they really think so. This never fails to break my heart. I really put in a lot of efforts to show my care for them. But how many times when i go back at night and i initiate to talk with my mum, has she remained silent not answering my question, cos' she is feeling upset about something that is not related to me at all??!!! I'm really feeling that she is taking me as a venting channel more and more. She talks more with me only when she wants to complain about my dad and bro, usually in a tone that sounds like the frustration is directed at me.

the truth is, i really care. Daddy, you are the only one i make myself readily call once in a while at night, even if its just to say 'goodnight dad'. (I dont really enjoy talking on the phone at night with anyone actually). And yesh, mummy i buy flowers for you, help you with the ironing and washing-up, listento you when you want to vent your frustrations, encourage you with a squeeze on the shoulder when you feel unappreciated, willingly give you an 'angpow' every month from my pay........ All these are done out of Love.


> Simply cos i miss my dad, miss those younger days when he was always physically around for me.... when my mum talks bubbly with me... And wonder how come things are not the same anymore...


Father Lord, bless my parents. You love them more than i can ever do. Bless my dear bro jk too.

Lord bring them to the Parents Appreciation Night. I really want to invite them from all of my heart, really wish for them to come, so that i can publicly show my appreciation for them.

smiles.

i cant express how excited i am about the upcoming EJ288 retreat! Truly a time of 'retreat' into the back scene for me, leave everything at home - my family, daughters, work and all, and go with God. i need this break. And i do hear that sofitel is a really nice place. Haa. Will go gymming in the early morn. Looking forward to growing to know my spiritual family more esp! :>

last evening was really memorable. And all the beautiful things happened in a mere room (rm 5 & 6). Firstly my amanda dear came to have dinner with me at TCT though she couldnt stay for YY288 meeting. Wanted her to share the stuff on her heart; but guess i will be patient in the Lord for her to share openly. :> Amanda dear, just really wanna apologise if i have 'neglected' you in any sense. I am always around for you yeah; dont need to worry whether i'll be busy with work, other gals etc. Never forget what a mummy is for. :> *hug hug*

After that sat with my spiritual mummy yuehping on the floor; we were just like small gals with our legs stretched out in front of us, sitting side by side/ butt to butt (haa...) and talking. I could sense elsie dear getting jealous. Oops hee. O well we had such a heartwarming time praying for one another with our arms over each other. And boy we had such a lovely long hug after that. I wanted to use the time too to 'confess' to yp that everything is not fine in my cell, sharing down to the details. Thanks mummy, for the love and assurance you showed me last night. *hug hug*

And boy it was such a beautiful time between me and dear wei too. Even though i have not talked with her about really coming under my leadership (and as one of my future 12s!), i have already been seeing her as someone whom i would really want to walk with in her journey of life. I'm still leaving this open to You Father. You make the ultimate decision for me and her. I was seriously touched when she shared with me about the huge dilemma in her job, and she said she just felt she must or should share with me. Thank You Father, for using me to touch her with Your love, for building such a beautiful bond between us. :> Bless my dear sister (she's my pri classmate oh man!) Lord; reveal to her so clearly the plans You have for her life, so clearly till she cant deny them.

Thank You Father, for using me to touch and minister into two other sisters' lives too. I know it wasnt an easy thing for them to come to me and share; i understand how they have been feeling. Father bless them with extra dose of intimacy between You and them individually. Give them the strength they need. I know You will honour their desire to want to walk with You every step of their lives. And i believe Father, they will rise up to become greater women of God, beautiful mothers of nations, in Jesus's name. :> Let their eyes always fixate on You.


Haa just a sidenote, i finally stepped into orchard last saturday night after probably 4 months. But i was sort of 'forced' to go cos i needed to hunt for my dear bro's bd present. Do realise shopping in orchard does not give me the meaning and joy it used to give. I felt like i was just moving along with the flow of people, whom i didnt seem to understand. i saw no point in craving for those fanciful clothes and stuff, in spending money and time in satisfying materialistic needs. I began to wonder, those couples out there, do they merely value time with each other? Where is God in their lives and relationships?

i'm not trying to 'glorify' myself by implying i'm 'out of the world'. It was just a different sensation walking through the crowds with Jesus beside me. He saw the crowds and had compassion on them. Perhaps this was what i was experiencing.

And man who do i have to meet in orchard, sitting at the next table for so long, but my dear amanda. Muahs. Haa dont worry dear, i didnt spotcheck on you.

let me sing O Father, my song of prayer

I wanna open up my eyes

And see a more beautiful world

Let the hand of God Almighty

Sweep his colors through my life

I wanna hold tight to the laughter

And ride it like a child

On the winds that billow joyful

Through the sky

I wanna open up my heart

But you know, sometimes it's hard to find

Because I've buried it beneath the selfishness

That I've hidden behind

I wanna stand my ground unshaken

But I wanna tremble when I kneel

And let my song remain unbroken

Through the tears

So let me sing for the love

Let me love for the lost

Let me lose all I have

For what I found on the cross

Let me trust you with my life

Let me live to give you praise

Lord, let me praise you

For the grace by which I'm saved

Lord, let me sing

I wanna open up Your word

And let the thirsty enter in

So they can drink deep of the water

You have given to them

I want to run the race with vigor

I want to fight the fight with strength

And let my song rise from a whisper

To a scream

I wanna open up my arms

And embrace that old rugged cross

I wanna take pride in the reason

And be humbled by the cause

And when this lisping, stamm'ring tongue

Lies silent in the grave

Then in a nobler, sweeter song,

I'll sing your praise

I'll sing your praise

So let me sing for the love

Let me love for the lost

Let me lose all I have

For what I found on the cross

Let me trust you with my life

Let me live to give you praise

Lord, let me praise you

For the grace by which I'm saved

Lord, let me sing

Let me Sing. Andrew Peterson. Clear to Venus

another lesson: tears of discipline

Yesh i am shedding tears of discipline right now.

But discipline should never be taken lightly in ministry. Discipline is done out of Love. He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24).

Yes i love this gal dearly.

good or not

quite a handful of bros and sisters, and even my prebelieving colleague have been commenting that i am a good spiritual 'mummy'. i do put in my heart for everyone who is put on my path, but Lord i dont feel so within me. What is your definition of a good leader? what is doing too little, and too much?