Lord, show me Your heart
Reflections on Batam trip
My colleague and I went to recce 3 Batam orphanages yesterday with a school's teachers and students. As I pondered upon the trip, God showed me His heart, and mine.
Just before we left the first orphanage which had the worst conditions out of the three we visited, we met this lady carrying a baby. Immediately we noticed that her left eye is sick – its iris is diluted and there is no sign of a healthy round pupil. A brief talk with the help of the translator revealed that she was already two, though her size was half than it should be.
A closer look at her spotted arms told us that she also has skin disease. But what broke Jaime’s and my hearts most was that she constantly wears a frown. We looked at her earnestly and smiled, but the very instant our eyes met hers, she would turn sharply and hide her face by her mother’s neck. After several tries, the girl believed that we were not there to jeer at her, looked longer at us but her face still looked so sad. Even when she finally tried to smile back at us, the corners of her lips turned downwards, because… she is just so used to frowning.
* * *
At the second orphanage which was times better than the first, Jaime and I met a really diligent boy. All the children were in the small living room with a pile of freshly washed clothes. This boy was the only one who bothered to help fold the clothes, and he did it so intently, making sure corners met corners. Even the piling of the folded clothes was a serious chore for him; he rather rearranged the clothes than to not have them piled up from the smallest to the biggest at the bottom. When a piece got ruffled through the rearrangement, well, he re-folded it as meticulously as before.
I made this remark to Jaime, ”Wow, if ever I want and can afford to adopt a child, I will choose him!”
* * *
This morning, as I remembered these, I asked God to show me His heart. He only asked me one question,
“Why didn’t you think about adopting the first girl with the eye condition instead of the boy who impressed you with his diligence?”
My heart shuddered as I understood what God was exactly telling me. I had easily ‘chosen’ a boy who could potentially be an asset to me – helping out in housework or even just in folding clothes, or at least whom I do not need to worry about teaching to fold clothes (?!), over a girl who may never be able to give me back anything or even live long!
I knew Jesus’ choice if He were me. I repented this moment.
* * *
God led me to read Philippians 4:8 -
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
My thought on adopting an orphan probably sounded noble and lovely. But it was my own desire, and it was not pure because it had subconscious conditions.
God showed me that the various ‘whatever is’ in the verse does not imply choice, but they are actually ‘and’s.
This means if I have a thought that is right but not lovely, it is not excellent or praiseworthy in God’s eyes. The thought has to be true (and) noble (and) right (and) pure (and) lovely and admirable to be so.
I thanked the Lord as I made my way to church,
‘Thank You Lord for showing me that my heart’s desire, even when it sounds good or right, may not be Your desire. Thank You Lord for showing me Yours, and reminding me again, You are with the poor, and most of the time, the poorest.’
